Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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