So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
