I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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