I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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