I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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