I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Never underestimate the power of titties
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize