this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
