He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I need to calm my uterus...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
