best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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