Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
