i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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