so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
