apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
