How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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