Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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