Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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