Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize