i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
