Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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