I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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