ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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