i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
