I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
