thus making me awesome and them whores
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
