My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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