Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
