dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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