Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
