but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize