i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
