I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You are the jesus of drinking
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