yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
3 2 1 whiskey
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
