Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
