I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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