what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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