Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
