As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
