i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
