that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
