I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize