I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
