Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
