True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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