I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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