You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
