Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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