She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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