Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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