Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
