Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
