clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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