I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
