he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
