just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
