I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
