I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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