does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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