Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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