I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
