Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
