when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize