I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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