One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
